Romanticizing pain

Have you ever been in a conversation or strolled down memory lane with someone you had a horrible experience or relationship with and they are talking like it was the best thing in the world?  Did you have to stop and wonder if you all were talking about the same time period or event?  I have had several instances like this happen to me and I know several other people who have as well.  I don’t know if it is a product of the “damsel in distress” narrative where the “hero” tries to “swept them off their feet” IMMEDIATELY after being traumatized instead of just doing a “good deed” and keeping it moving; or the product of “beauty and the beast” narrative where one person in consistently abusive, callous, controlling and demanding while the other tries everything in their power to break free but eventually sees “their softer” side after numerous violations or even a complete lack of apathy and social sensitivity that causes this disproportionate view of circumstances.  But I call it “romanticizing pain”, now before we go any future I’m not referring to BDSM relationships/occasions where it is voluntary, desired and enjoyed. Romanticizing pain is when one side is having a horrible experience and the other side is having the time of their life at the expense of the other or simply causing harm to the other without recognizing or caring that they are.  It happens in many situations from everything to doing a group project, rape, employment situations, systematic racism (cause you KNOW how we like to sweep that under the rug) to being in a “Rore” as I like to call them (romantic relationships)

But I’m focusing of the Rore aspect because far too often I see where one person is blissful and the other is miserable (or any variation of pleased/displeased). Sometimes it is small things like one person feeling like they are giving more than the other or big like extremely abusive behavior.  In any case one party is content with how things are and the other isn’t.  Often times the content party doesn’t even see that there is an issue, know there is a problem, they may think things “could be better” but are overall pleased or they are shocked/surprised with the other person’s perception. Many feel that as long the relationship continues that there isn’t really an issue.  I have often asked “Why did (are) you stay(ing)…” and the answer usually deals with social constructs (divorce is bad, you need a man/woman..), family expectations (not wanting to “ruin” relationships), children (because you have children together) or not wanting it  to be in vain (I could not have done ALL this for nothing).  I have also asked “You didn’t (don’t)  know it was (is)  that bad…” and the answers ironically are:  same with social constructs (I’m not nearly as bad as other….), family expectations (This is just how things are when you’re in love…), children (when you have children you stay together) or not wanting it  to be in vain (We have put so much into this).   Personally I have been in situations that were bad for me but the other person really enjoyed it (especially sexually/romantically). During I thought that they either:  1. knew it was bad for/to me and didn’t care 2. thought it was bad too and didn’t care 3. Completely oblivious to my feelings/perspective and didn’t care.  For me it was always about a lack of love or concern for me then I later discovered that almost always the other person simply did not know how things impacted me.

This is one of those open ending conversations because I am not sure where to go with it

*****Note if you are reading this thinking “maybe the person was sensitive, or overly emotional or they did stuff to you too, etc.  You were probably on the giving end of the trauma.  It’s okay, deal with it and attempt to think, do, be and act differently from now on*****

What are your thoughts or experiences, has this happened to you on either end? (you can always answer anonymously)