Milele's Archive

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Show me your truth and Ill show you mine


I'm one of those "None of your business, stay in a child's place" parents because I am not going to lie to my sons however at the same time there are things they don't need to be exposed to and things that are not beneficial for them to have to try to process.  I temper my words with them to ensure that I am honest yet I TRY to also be discreet (not my strong suit)
Check out my old blog post "Honestly Honest" about how we lie to our children and teach them to lie inadvertently



In my 40 years of experience (sounds official doesn't it?) One of the things that often comes to question is "Honesty". 
What do we share, when do we share it, how much do we tell, what reasons we don't tell, who do we tell, why do we tell one person but not the other, etc.  On one hand we are encouraged to be completely honest in all aspects of life on the other hand we are told to use discretion when sharing certain things.  Growing up I was one of those super honest children who said what I felt and thought and did ALL the time.  Whiles others got in trouble for not telling the truth I often got in trouble for telling the truth or saying what I thought about situations or people.  To this day I still struggle with the notion of "discretion, secrecy, confidentiality and anything else that deals with not putting all my cards on the table."  I've always felt that I should disclose all the information so that those I'm interacting with can make sound and realistic choices.  I didn't want anyone to say I tricked them or misled them. 
Another key thing that I have learned is that "my truth" may not be the real truth.  Perception plays a major role in what we call truth. I have also learned that at times "truth" can be damaging and cause more harm that telling a "little black lie", omitting certain things or softening the gravity of things.   

In 2015 I posted about our responsibility in honesty
"We have the responsibility to be honest AND righteous in ALL of our relationships: personal, sexual, professional, platonic, spiritual and all others. Simply being honest isn’t enough. You can be honest and be abusive, negligent, mean, distance, etc. We sometimes use “honesty” as an excuse to operate from our lower selves. When we use justifications like “Well I told them what to expect; they knew how I was before they got involved; I was honest about my intent; that’s just business, I never lied…” we take away our personal responsibility to be righteous. It is not someone else’s responsibility to not be hurt, used, abused or otherwise mistreated by us, it is OUR responsibility not to do those things to them. We can not do harm to others because they allow it then fault them because we were “honest” about our intent to do harm (well we can but it is not righteous). To be human means not only being erectus but also being moral and developed. When we treat people poorly under the guides of “honesty” we deny our humanity. We have the choice at every moment of every day to be a better person and to treat others in a manner that shows our humanity. Be honest AND righteous and see what rewards life will bring to you"

Far to often we use truth and information as a weapon to keep the upper hand or put ourselves in a more favorable position.  We are taught the "Knowledge is power" and so we wield truth, facts, information like a sword protecting our fragile ego and temporary comfort zones.  Even in our closest relationships we use it as a bargaining tool to get what we want to have others bend to our will. Ultimately for me honesty is one of the most sincere gifts you can give to those closest to you, it is a form of intimacy that we guard so heavily in this society because of how our "truths" can be used against us and how vulnerable we feel because of them. 


In my books (though fictional) I share my beliefs, practices, and perceptions of love, life, relationships and those things sacred to me in an honest manner.   Even the title "Confessions..." speaks to sharing our truths. Honesty is a way of being more humane and deeply connected to those we chose and who chose us. 
 

So I now I pull back from situations to assess what things are true and beneficial for all parties involved and then I shape my truth and actions around that.




What are your thoughts of honesty






Thursday, December 22, 2016

Sex talk: What are we REALLY saying? 2016 Edition


I blogged about this back in Sept of 2013 and recently I’ve felt the need to update. SOOOOO….

Let’s start with a refresher

…There is something about being in the throes of arousal and pleasure that causes us (all of us) to string words together so eloquently.  Most of us understand that “sex talk” should be taken seriously DURING intercourse but should be taken very lightly at any other time. That does not mean the person who is “sex talking” is being dishonest, but, like any other intoxicant, sex causes the brain to respond to stimuli in a less that usual manner. It causes us to step outside of our norm or comfort zone and explore an entirely new way of operating and speaking.  For example if someone were to ummmm let’s say put their hands gingerly around your throat (randomly popped in my head) while you were somewhere in a common setting (work, school, meetings) the response would be different than if someone were to do it during intercourse. Sex Talk should not be confused with talking about sex, although talking about sex could naturally lead to “sex talk” if done correctly. 

Sex Talk: conversation that occurs during foreplay, sexual intercourse (blending) of any kind, occasionally immediately following or intimate conversation to promote arousal. AKA talking dirty, nasty talk, being freaky..

********Note Sex talk is ALWAYS a mutual exchange in some fashion.  Randomly shouting out or whispering obscenities to strangers or someone who is not interested in you is sexual harassment.  Let’s not do that.  

Scroll Down to see 2013 translations

 

I love you

2013       I love how I am feeling with you…. Right now 2.) These sensations are causing a spike in my emotional capacity 3.) I am fond of you 4.) I actually love you (not likely)

2016       1.You said it first so I’m saying it back. 2. You are making me feel really good, 3. I love you in the general since of the word like “I love of people”.

 

Put it in!

2013       Although I am sure that you plan on penetration happening during this session I would like for you to do that sooner rather than later.  Like right now!

2016       1. You are taking too long to insert your penis into me 2. It slipped out and I was just about to cum so hurry up before I lose this feeling.

 

I’m about to cum/I’m cumming

2013       Men: Im about to cum or Im in the process of cumming.

Women: if you continue to do EXACTLY what you are doing for an extended period of time I will eventually have and orgasm. Usually followed or preceded by “Don’t stop”

2016       Men: Im cumming ret now so you better get your quickly

Women: 1. Please don’t stop or doing anything stupid because I am really enjoying this and if you keep going I will FINALLY have an orgasm 2. Your sex is garbage and I want you to stop 3. Meh 4. You need a little motivation to work harder 5. This feels really good but you not going to make me cum so let’s just stop soon. 6. I like you and I want you to feel good about your efforts

 

Don’t stop

2013       Don’t fucking stop or don’t stop fucking depending on how you want to look at it.

*note* don’t stop refers to doing the EXACT thing you are doing at the time it is said.  This is not the time to be creative and throw in a new move. Don’t stop is usually followed by I’m about to cum (see instructions above)

2016       See 2013

 

It’s yours

2013       I am enjoying what you are doing so much that I would like for you to be the one to do it again.

2016       1 I’m dating/sleeping with several people but I enjoy you’re the most 2 You fuck/suck/lick the best 3 I really like how this feels 3 Your insecure and I want to reassure you that you don’t have to worry about our relationship

 

I’m yours

2013       I’m yours…… right now (this is a time sensitive statement)

2016       See 2013

 

You’re the best (I have ever had)

2013       You are performing very well at this moment. (Also time sensitive)

2016       1 You are putting in more effort than I am used too 2 Got have some tricks I haven’t seen 3 You are actually the best (not likely) but if they add “for real” or “Im serious” that it probably true

 

Ride it!

2013       Generally used by men to express the desire for their partner to straddle them and move rhythmically up and down on their penis.

2016       See 2013 but may also refer to riding their face

 

Eat it!

2013       Generally used by women to express the desire for cunnilingus to be performed well

2016       See 2013

 

Suck it!

2013       Generally used by men to express the desire for fellatio to be performed well

2016       Used by all genders to express the desire for a certain body part to be sucked. Generally wherever the mouth is at that time

 

Oooohhh *insert explicative*

2013       I really like that

2016       1. That feels really good 2. It feels so good all I can do is curse

 

 

Common “do harm to me” phrases with translation

2013       “Do harm to me” as I like to call them are phrases that are given in “instruction” form.  These phrases state an action that the speaker would like for their partner to do at the time of intercourse.  There are too many to cover but several are listed below

Choke me, Slap me, Spank me, Pull my hair, Bite me, ______ me harder (can be borderline)

Pound it! Hit it! Beat it up! (Referring to the use of the penis as a thrusting devise)

 

*Note* translations can very depending on situations.  Also if you feel the need to defend your “sex talk” you need some help this is for fun

2016       “Do harm” phrases can go both ways by request *see 2013* or informing of intent I’m going to ____ you

 

More 2016

You’re my _______

  1. The way that I’m making you feel I think that I have the right to call you mine 2. We have established a certain relationship that I’m acknowledging right now 3. I really would like for you to be my____ 4. This feels good so I want it again, and again, and again 5. I’m going to make you some tacos (inside joke) 5 I know you are seeing other people but I feel like we have something special

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Feel free to add more this is a continuous post and more will be translated later

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Confessions.... by Milele





Many people have asked me about my books “Confessionsof a faithful Woman” (2012) and “Confessions of a Sage Woman” (2016) so I decided to provide an overview…

Sex is a spiritual act though many of us are never consciously taught how to use it for healing, enlightenment and manifesting things in the ways it was meant to. As adults the over whelming majority of us will have an active sex life until we transition to the next phase of existence and sex is an act that involves all facets of our being.   Those of who do not have a “sexual” life will still have a “spiritual” existence that involves intimacy, connection, enlightenment and interpersonal relationships.

With this in mind I decided to write a series of books to teach lessons while challenging status quo perspectives on love, sex, gender roles, marriage, relationships and how we should function and operate on a daily bases.

Both books are part of the “Confessions of a...” series which is a collection of stories, sage wisdoms and poems written to arouse every aspect of the reader.  I write to educate people about universal, revolutionary, Afrikan (cause that’s what I am), cultural, traditional, rites, rituals and ways of living in order to raise the level of humanity in all of us.  The characters are fictional however the history, research, information, sacred rites, “Sage Wisdoms” and lessons given in the books are factual and intended to help foster a more holistic way of operating and interact in our relationships. The characters also deal with real issues that each of us face in our journey of spiritual enlightenment and physical satisfaction; teaching or reminding us how to operate from our higher selves and have healthier ways of thinking and acting.

“Confessions of a Faithful Woman” was an in your face “let’s talk about sex” foot in the door for this series.  It dealt with everything from sexual orientation, to sexual repression to swinging from an Afrikan centered (if you will) perspective. The stories were written from many different points of views and mindsets that ranged from monogamous to heterosexual to polyamorous to celibate to sexually fluid and back again. It merely scratched the surface to shake the status quo up a bit and prepare readers for the longer journey to come.

“Confessions of a Sage Woman” on the other side of the coin slides readers more deeply into the knowledge of the sacred sexual and holistic lifestyle.  Several of the characters from the first book are expanded upon and there are “recipes” that inform the reader in a more formal manner about holistic living and creating a more sacred way of living and operating. This book also introduces new characters and addresses things like depression, rape, abuse and other barriers to our healing and advancing. Yet it still has the same erotic flow and vibe that the series is intended to have

I write from my personal knowledge, research, initiation, relationships, values, perspectives and worldview and put the most intimate parts of myself on papers for the world to see and hopefully utilize for their evolution.  I hope that each book takes the reader farther into themselves and their connection to the universe. 

As always I appreciate you for taking the time to read and think about what I have shared.  I look forward to you sharing with me as well about your experience reading the series or dealing with some of the things in the books.


 



Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Romanticizing pain


Have you ever been in a conversation or strolled down memory lane with someone you had a horrible experience or relationship with and they are talking like it was the best thing in the world?  Did you have to stop and wonder if you all were talking about the same time period or event?  I have had several instances like this happen to me and I know several other people who have as well.  I don’t know if it is a product of the “damsel in distress” narrative where the “hero” tries to “swept them off their feet” IMMEDIATELY after being traumatized instead of just doing a “good deed” and keeping it moving; or the product of “beauty and the beast” narrative where one person in consistently abusive, callous, controlling and demanding while the other tries everything in their power to break free but eventually sees “their softer” side after numerous violations or even a complete lack of apathy and social sensitivity that causes this disproportionate view of circumstances.  But I call it “romanticizing pain”, now before we go any future I’m not referring to BDSM relationships/occasions where it is voluntary, desired and enjoyed. Romanticizing pain is when one side is having a horrible experience and the other side is having the time of their life at the expense of the other or simply causing harm to the other without recognizing or caring that they are.  It happens in many situations from everything to doing a group project, rape, employment situations, systematic racism (cause you KNOW how we like to sweep that under the rug) to being in a “Rore” as I like to call them (romantic relationships)

But I’m focusing of the Rore aspect because far too often I see where one person is blissful and the other is miserable (or any variation of pleased/displeased). Sometimes it is small things like one person feeling like they are giving more than the other or big like extremely abusive behavior.  In any case one party is content with how things are and the other isn’t.  Often times the content party doesn’t even see that there is an issue, know there is a problem, they may think things “could be better” but are overall pleased or they are shocked/surprised with the other person’s perception. Many feel that as long the relationship continues that there isn’t really an issue.  I have often asked “Why did (are) you stay(ing)…” and the answer usually deals with social constructs (divorce is bad, you need a man/woman..), family expectations (not wanting to “ruin” relationships), children (because you have children together) or not wanting it  to be in vain (I could not have done ALL this for nothing).  I have also asked “You didn’t (don’t)  know it was (is)  that bad…” and the answers ironically are:  same with social constructs (I’m not nearly as bad as other….), family expectations (This is just how things are when you’re in love…), children (when you have children you stay together) or not wanting it  to be in vain (We have put so much into this).   Personally I have been in situations that were bad for me but the other person really enjoyed it (especially sexually/romantically). During I thought that they either:  1. knew it was bad for/to me and didn’t care 2. thought it was bad too and didn’t care 3. Completely oblivious to my feelings/perspective and didn’t care.  For me it was always about a lack of love or concern for me then I later discovered that almost always the other person simply did not know how things impacted me.

This is one of those open ending conversations because I am not sure where to go with it

*****Note if you are reading this thinking “maybe the person was sensitive, or overly emotional or they did stuff to you too, etc.  You were probably on the giving end of the trauma.  It’s okay, deal with it and attempt to think, do, be and act differently from now on*****

What are your thoughts or experiences, has this happened to you on either end? (you can always answer anonymously)







Monday, July 25, 2016

"Thin line between love and hate.."



When we love someone in a romantic (marked by the imaginative or emotional appeal of what is heroic, adventurous, remote, mysterious, or idealized) way we assign a completely different set of rules, roles and regulations then we do when our love for some is general  so to speak.
With "Romance" comes idealistic views of "Death do us part" "Us against the world" "The one and only for me", "Keeping others out of your relationship" and other thoughts that create a bubble for those in the relationship.  That bubble can be a protective force or an isolating force.  When it is protective it shields those involved from unnecessary drama and harm.  However when it is isolating it prevents growth, advancement and shields those involved from "external" help. 
If all parties involved (mono or poly) are mature, nurturing, loving and have mutual respect for all, the relationship can be a thing of such beauty and joy that it seems like  a real life fairytale.  If those involved are jealous, controlling, immature or insecure it is a ticking time bomb that in most cases leaves to abuse and violence.


"Bust the windows out your car"


When we invest our time, feelings, money, energy, heart and soul into something expecting a certain outcome and we don't get it our passion can quickly turn to rage if unchecked.  Not to mention that violence as a means of conflict resolution is highly promoted and reinforced in this society.  That combined with the notion  that we have to MAKE people respect us is a recipe of a domestic violence cocktail.  We began to accept the overly emotional way of dealing with issues (fighting, arguing, throwing things, having tantrums and fall outs....) in romantic love as natural and normal and it is not. Then we add sex and physical intimacy to already volatile circumstances which just heightens the issues with in the relationship.  We need to REevaluate how we can operate in a kinder, calmer, loving and nurturing manner when faced with issues in a "romantic" context and how we can build healthier bombs with one another that to not denigrate to barbaric ways of operating.


This is meant to open the conversations about "romantic" love and how the standards behind it lead to some very unhealthy situations and outcomes. 

What are your thoughts?