unforseen outcomes...

This is one of those times I have to just write…..  Not knowing what will come up or where this will end.  Now is your chance to get out while you still can.  As a women, wife, mentor, teacher, mother and every other label that applies I often find myself limited in what I can truly express (in any form); not through anything other than my own notion of what is and isn’t appropriate for me as a _________(fill in the blank).   

It isn’t appropriate for me to express my desires for others outside of my marriage without a thousand disclaimers, it isn’t appropriate for me to vent and rage against the machine without having a solution, it isn’t appropriate for me to express my sadness without acknowledging all my blessing, it isn’t appropriate for me to speak of times when I wish I did not have children without expressing my deep love and admiration for my beautiful little spirits, it isn’t appropriate for me not to give my all without being sick or otherwise incapacitated, etc, etc. It causes me to nitpick at every thought and aspiration I have til the point I no longer think about or aspire for it (at least consciously).  It causes me to stay trapped in the box I fight so hard to destroy.  It causes me to be fearful and regretful about my wants and desires often felling ungrateful or unappreciative for having even considered it.  Typically I’m able to keep this complex system of checks and balances intact but at times the scales tip one way or the other.  At times I just don’t give a FUCK what others think or how it will impact them and at times I can’t even function without being filled with regret and concern about how I’m impacting others.  When the scales are off my attitude, energy and spirit reflect it.  It usually goes unnoticed but those closest to me can always tell.  Most of those moments aren’t lasting but the thoughts of them are.

With that said…..

I’m ridding myself of all limiting, oppressive, unhealthy, unrighteous, detrimental, egotistical and immature thoughts, behavior, actions and relationships. 

I desire the most divine things and I must align myself to receive them.

Didn’t think it would end like this but hey….