Dicks Before Dinner..... An Open conversation about sex and dating.

I find some of the most profound reflections and understanding in honest conversations with friends.  I wanted to share this one with others because I thoughts others could relate.  I appreciate my sistar Kita for her rawness and honesty.  We are all on a continuous journey of self acceptance and understanding.  I know I am at times reluctant to share my views as a “married woman” because of some of the limited and judgmental views of women who are married that even I struggle against.  I hope this conversation touches you.  And we were chatting and typing fast so please excuse our typos J

MILELE:          How are the two delights you are bringing to the party? are you dating them?

KITA:              They are good and no. they are good looking friends. I'm taking a set back from dating for a minute. It's very disheartening.  I  meet guy who are great people just not ready or right for me. Or the guys who feel sex is a part of a date.

MILELE:          It is :)

KITA:              I  have encountered a lot of that. I  blame myself for being a bit too honest in some situations but in others it's a can we lay up at you house and have sex invitation.

            It's nuts. I  have blocked a lot of men who are good people who feel sex is all there is to a relationship. friend or other wise.

            I  think I  may write a blog about it.

MILELE:          For men sex is sometimes the only time they get to feel open vulnerable and loved and loving

KITA:              I  understand that but I  want more than just sex. sex shouldn't be #1 on your list.  Some men feel that sex is love. and sex is a main part of dating. You don't have to build a relationship just fuck and kick it.  I  feel society has made sex common and some have taken it and run with it.  It's crazy. Late one hour into a date leads to a uncomfortable conversation about how great sex with him would be. And why I  should just do it because we will anyway. SMH

MILELE:          I  understand that. But that is not the case with all brothers. Yes most if not all men want to have sex (like most if not all women) but more mature men can take their time and enjoy other things.  You must remember in this society often sex (for men) is the only time they can "excerpt their power" without being the "angry black man".  It is also a time for nurturing, closeness, excitement, love, enjoyment, release, relaxing, openness... that many times they don't experience in everyday life.  They are taught their worth, value, power is in their sex and ability to satisfy a woman in bed.  If they are feeling you (pun intended) they may not know other ways to express that than the physical. You can take those times to teach or show them something new... a new way to express intimacy and closeness

KITA:              That's true but for some they want the non intimate sex. No real connection just penetration and gratification. I  love connecting intimately but not fucking. Fucking feels degrading like your a tool not a being with a spirit and a life. Just a thing to dump themselves in.

The problem is the willingness to learn. Most men don't have it.  Unless they are young.

MILELE:          Most men do but they have to be pushed past their comfort zone just like us. In addition when they find a women they think is "sexually free" or "enlightened" or whatever you want to call it they see an opportunity for new experiences and new levels of ecstasy.  I  have been out of dating for a long time but I  talk very intimately with all my male friends and other men (in my work) and they ALL have expressed these things to me

KITA:              I  don't meet those men.

MILELE:          You know them, you may just not know them in that capacity. They talk to me because they aren't dating me so they feel more inclined to be more real about those things.  They have as many hangups about sex as we do. Many feel it is their responsibility to please the woman and that is the way they know how other than providing for them financially

KITA: I  just feel some men are fear and gratification driven.

MILELE:          Now here is my question to you... Why don't you want to have sex more? Why do you feel the need to put it in a certain box or wait?

KITA: Having sex isn't the issue. It's the expectation of sex or the pressure of sex that bothers me.

MILELE:          So if they didn't expect it or pressure you, you would do it at those times?

KITA: It depends on the situation for most no. I  have a relationship just for that. No personal ties just sex. We are not connect to anyone emotionally so it works.  Correction had. He wants a relationship now so I  walked away. We can't connect on a higher level. We tried.

MILELE:          You know our relationship reflect where we are and what we believe. We often attract what we send out but when it comes back we don't like the reflection of it because we are unclear of what we are saying or what we truly desire

KITA: For me for a long time I  didn't know the following:
What a functional relationship is?
How to have one
What I  need, want, and can offer
How to communicate After I  truly worked on those things then I  started dating. I  think for most that haven't tacked a lot of underlining issues.

MILELE:          I  know this, for all my relationships, when I  began to become unsatisfied I  look at myself first.

What am I  lacking internally?

What issues are surfacing (resurfacing)?

What are my expectations and are they realistic?

Am I  doing and being the things I  expect the other person to do and be?

Once I  answer and address those things FULLY!!! I  look at the other person

If at the point I  am internally happy and fulfilled and the other person does not match or isn't in sync with me I  decide

1. Do I  still want the relationship and in what capacity?

2. What things I  can deal with and what things I  can not

3. What do I  get from the relationship and the other person, what does that person get from me

4. What did I  get (am I  getting) from the relationship

5 Most importantly what can I  change and what cant I  change.

After looking at all those things I  make my decision. And I  do this multiple times with multiple relationships

Every time I  grow or change or backslide I  re-evaluate my relationships starting with self. After awhile it is a very simple checks and balance process

 

KITA: See my issue is these "Sex crazed' people I  don't truly know. This happens on fist dates after a few casual conversations

MILELE:          But YOU are attracting them. so what are you doing or putting in the universe to draw that to you

KITA: I  sit back after these events and ask what I  did to make him feel this was welcomed.  I  was told I  make people too comfortable I  give them the sense that I  am open to anything. And I  know I  have been guilty of this but recently not so much.

IDK... I  had a guy tell me the best way to know if we would work out is to have sex first (at our first meeting by the way) then if it's good we would be happy.  Idk

MILELE:          I  don't necessarily mean with them. I  meant what prayers, energies, desires are you holding. What do you want and what do you focus on in your mind

For example:  If I  am seeking to evolve sexually or have more spiritual connections I  will attract people that will either push me to that or challenge me on that

KITA: I  am seeking healthy relationships and happiness. Like childlike pure joy in simple moments in life. Peace, in mind body and spirit. A true sense of self and understand of my children and how to nurture them.  Sex is not in the for front of my mind. I  want intimacy and a partner to grow and share with more so emotionally than physically.

MILELE:          Do you have those things you want already or are you still working toward them (first part) Do you think that there is difference between the emotional and the physical. Do you think sex takes away from an emotional bond?

KITA: In some aspects yes and in others no. Uno nights changed my life. They are a true therapy for me. You guys help me and I  can be my naked true self free of fear. I  am at peace with some of the hardships of my childhood. That took a long time. As a parent I  am learning to be more of a guide and or mentor than a disciplinarian. We communicate and share and they love it. I  don't want them to ever fear me just mutual respect.

I  know who I  am and what I  want and that is freeing. One day I  sat down and let Zaire ask me anything and I  learned I  had found myself and she told me she loved how I  had changed. That was awesome

MILELE:          That is wonderful and beautiful and it is a constant journey. One that you have not taken fully in your relationships.  From what I  see of you and how you are you seem to be more open than many women (cause we are conditioned not to be) and you seem like a sexual experience would be very nice with you. If I  was seeking that you would be a person I  would look to for that exp if I  was working from the masculine.

You should never take it as an insult (I  struggled hard with that) that someone is attracted to you in that manner or wants to express it that way

You just needed to be clear with them what you are and aren't willing to do.

Also look deeper at yourself for what you truly desire from a man. We often put unrealistic standards on things because we are afraid of being hurt or used. But ask yourself this…

KITA: I  feel there is only one if you make it one. I  would say yes 12 years ago but now no they feed each other. I  feel there is a difference between levels of sex. Fuck is casual non emotional sex just penetration and but Sex for me is more so a full mental and physical experience. All of your sense are awakened and a connection is made in every way.

MILELE:          If the finest sexiest man you knew and liked was on the date with you and wanted to have sex would you feel the same pressure or would you jump on it

KITA: Thanks Love and I  you. Your book made me sit back and ask very had questions. I  had to apologize to their father and accept my faults in our failed relationship. I  stop grown I  was just being for 9 years.

The conversation will lead the way. If you can't catch my mind she will go dry fast. LOL

MILELE:          lol

KITA: lol ijs

MILELE:          I  understand that fully, I  also know that as I  change what I  attracted has changed.  I  am surrounded by fine sexy ass men that respect my mind, body and spirit.  And my being married or not has nothing to do with the lines that I  draw in my relationships with these brothers (sometimes sis)

KITA: I  was unrealistic for years but now all my want are simple. Looks have never mattered that much to me.

MILELE:          Shiitt they have always mattered to me lol

KITA: That is true I  know 10 years ago we wouldn't have been friends. But now it's natural to me. I  feel that people in my life show me parts of my self I  need to see and you all nurture them with your words and presence.

Having size sigmas for so long. Being the cute fat friend made me look more for attraction than looks. With size acceptance I  changed a bit but not much.

Side bar... I  made a skirt. I  will post pics tonight! Yay!

MILELE:          Yay! Cant wait to see them.  I  truly feel you on all this we live in a time that what comes natural to us is pressed and stepped on cause us to seek everything external

KITA: So true. I  just live now seeking my happiest moments and being creative. I  love making things and teaching. I  lost that and I'm happy it's back coaching me along the way.

MILELE:          and that is what is important

KITA: This has been a wonderful talk. I  love you and your energy to bring to support others. You are a gift.

MILELE:          Thanks love. You are too!!!! I  appreciate your honest and support. You are a beautiful woman. I  enjoy seeing your grow and become fully who you are meant to become. I  love you too

Reflection:  I  have reread this conversation several times and I  am at fault for what I  attract. The energy I  put out is truly what I  receive but I  don't accept the fault for the individuals who naturally feel that having sex only is a relationship or how you being and maintain one. I  will focus and work on my self . I  will date with in my comfort zone and limitations. I  will be honest and transparency in my words and actions. Most of all I  will clearly communicate. Communication is essential.

Thanks for reading

Love,

Kita