"As there always is, with me. A girl I met online back when people my age first started doing that. She lived on another coast. We fell in love nonetheless. Fast forward to when we finally met. The foreplay lasted three hours. The arguments were much shorter, but slowly destroyed the fabric that held us together. She came to mind because her birthday is approaching.
No matter how circumstances change I never forget a birthday. With that remembrance of course comes attached a slew of other memories; not all of which are pleasant.
"I thought you were the love of my life"
She said solemnly as she sat across from me, tears streaming down her face..
All I can think now is, I destroyed apart of this girl. A part of this girl that was innocent and hopeful and bright and untouched is now dead because of me. She’s not prone to naïveté. She was given reason to believe. I was that reason.
Our relationship isn’t a blur despite how long ago it was. I remember every conversation, every kiss, every time we fucked before she went to work and again when she came back. There was love there. Young, foolish, passionate love.
Emotional instability and fumbling through it has cost me a great many love affairs. I know who and what I am now. I can choose who to hurt and when to apologize. I can recognize when to reign myself in.
Still...mornings like this, I’m unable to shake visions of her smile. I can’t un-hear her sobbing. I know what I’ve done.
“Can we forget about the things I said when (you) were drunk? I didn’t mean to call you that.” "
Me: Wow... That was nice
Anthony: Nice? It details a heart I caused to break
Me: Well written, vivid, intimate, honest and heart felt
Anthony: Ah. = nice. Thank you
Me: You are welcome. I am a writer so I look at it as art. sometimes art shows our worst parts
Anthony: I thought you might. I agree
Me:and there is beauty in the growth you have done since then and the remorse you have
Anthony: It still bothers me at least once a year. And I've broken more than one. So my calendar is pretty full..lol
Me: lol. we all do it. Sometimes on purpose sometimes by chance. Did you do it on purpose?
Anthony: To her? No, not at all. It's like, our arguments to her meant the end of what she thought we were. To me they were just fights. I didn't know what I was doing. Wasn't paying attention to the potential consequences of my actions. Or that I couldn't travel 3,000 miles on a whim regularly
Me: You should do a guest blog post about it on my blog. I like how you speak about it
Anthony: I'd be honored. Working closely with a published author
Me: Okay a few more questions
Anthony: Shoot
Me: What did you learn from the experience about yourself
Anthony: How cruel I was capable of being. How blinded by anger I could become. How easily one's sentiment can be taken for granted, and how not to do any of that again… Though I did.
Anger is a hell of a drugYou can convince yourself of almost anything justifiably if you're angry enough
Me: Yes it is. Most of our emotions give us a rush that we can become addicted to if we indulge in them. And the justification leads to more of the same behavior and indulgences. Since you know this about yourself what do you do differently now?
Anthony: Pace myself. Firstly, ask myself whether or not I'm wrong. And if I am, whether or not I want to apologize currently
Me: If you could tell her anything what would it be?
Anthony: I mean, we've spoken since all that. We almost tried again once and we formed an uneasy friendship of sorts. But it's relegated to birthdays and holidays now like normal exes. But from the heart, with the understanding of what Im referring to, if I could tell her anything it'd be how sorry I am
Me: Is there any advice you would give to another man like who is like you were currently in a relationship?
Anthony: Pay attention. Not just to your woman but the pace of every moment. Never give in to anger, even if you are in the right. Anger is useless. Increase understanding and subtract anything that doesn't fit that. Love openly, fearlessly. Breathe.
Me: Thank you Anthony. I appreciate you sharing with me. Would you like to be anonymous?
Anthony: Oh, of course not. That serves no one
1 comment:
Now that I'm a little bit older, I think about how silly I was. So childish, so nieve. We both played a role in this film of pleasure and pain. I wasn't as innocent as he thought I was though. I took alot of things into my owe hands out of anger. Somethings I regret somethings I don't. Some things he knows about and somethings he just
wont. Neither less, what I do know is that I've gained so much from that experience. I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason and because Anthony was a puzzle piece in my life I thank him. Everyone goes through trials and tribulation and people have to experience things in order to grow. Thats just life. Although Anthony and I relationship is practically deceased, and yes as he stated we speak on holidays and Birthdays, I will always have love for him. Just thought I'd make this clear. Peace and Blessing
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