Romanticizing pain

Have you ever been in a conversation or strolled down memory lane with someone you had a horrible experience or relationship with and they are talking like it was the best thing in the world?  Did you have to stop and wonder if you all were talking about the same time period or event?  I have had several instances like this happen to me and I know several other people who have as well.  I don’t know if it is a product of the “damsel in distress” narrative where the “hero” tries to “swept them off their feet” IMMEDIATELY after being traumatized instead of just doing a “good deed” and keeping it moving; or the product of “beauty and the beast” narrative where one person in consistently abusive, callous, controlling and demanding while the other tries everything in their power to break free but eventually sees “their softer” side after numerous violations or even a complete lack of apathy and social sensitivity that causes this disproportionate view of circumstances.  But I call it “romanticizing pain”, now before we go any future I’m not referring to BDSM relationships/occasions where it is voluntary, desired and enjoyed. Romanticizing pain is when one side is having a horrible experience and the other side is having the time of their life at the expense of the other or simply causing harm to the other without recognizing or caring that they are.  It happens in many situations from everything to doing a group project, rape, employment situations, systematic racism (cause you KNOW how we like to sweep that under the rug) to being in a “Rore” as I like to call them (romantic relationships)

But I’m focusing of the Rore aspect because far too often I see where one person is blissful and the other is miserable (or any variation of pleased/displeased). Sometimes it is small things like one person feeling like they are giving more than the other or big like extremely abusive behavior.  In any case one party is content with how things are and the other isn’t.  Often times the content party doesn’t even see that there is an issue, know there is a problem, they may think things “could be better” but are overall pleased or they are shocked/surprised with the other person’s perception. Many feel that as long the relationship continues that there isn’t really an issue.  I have often asked “Why did (are) you stay(ing)…” and the answer usually deals with social constructs (divorce is bad, you need a man/woman..), family expectations (not wanting to “ruin” relationships), children (because you have children together) or not wanting it  to be in vain (I could not have done ALL this for nothing).  I have also asked “You didn’t (don’t)  know it was (is)  that bad…” and the answers ironically are:  same with social constructs (I’m not nearly as bad as other….), family expectations (This is just how things are when you’re in love…), children (when you have children you stay together) or not wanting it  to be in vain (We have put so much into this).   Personally I have been in situations that were bad for me but the other person really enjoyed it (especially sexually/romantically). During I thought that they either:  1. knew it was bad for/to me and didn’t care 2. thought it was bad too and didn’t care 3. Completely oblivious to my feelings/perspective and didn’t care.  For me it was always about a lack of love or concern for me then I later discovered that almost always the other person simply did not know how things impacted me.

This is one of those open ending conversations because I am not sure where to go with it

*****Note if you are reading this thinking “maybe the person was sensitive, or overly emotional or they did stuff to you too, etc.  You were probably on the giving end of the trauma.  It’s okay, deal with it and attempt to think, do, be and act differently from now on*****

What are your thoughts or experiences, has this happened to you on either end? (you can always answer anonymously)

"Thin line between love and hate.."

When we love someone in a romantic (marked by the imaginative or emotional appeal of what is heroic, adventurous, remote, mysterious, or idealized) way we assign a completely different set of rules, roles and regulations then we do when our love for some is general  so to speak.
With "Romance" comes idealistic views of "Death do us part" "Us against the world" "The one and only for me", "Keeping others out of your relationship" and other thoughts that create a bubble for those in the relationship.  That bubble can be a protective force or an isolating force.  When it is protective it shields those involved from unnecessary drama and harm.  However when it is isolating it prevents growth, advancement and shields those involved from "external" help. 
If all parties involved (mono or poly) are mature, nurturing, loving and have mutual respect for all, the relationship can be a thing of such beauty and joy that it seems like  a real life fairytale.  If those involved are jealous, controlling, immature or insecure it is a ticking time bomb that in most cases leaves to abuse and violence.

"Bust the windows out your car"

When we invest our time, feelings, money, energy, heart and soul into something expecting a certain outcome and we don't get it our passion can quickly turn to rage if unchecked.  Not to mention that violence as a means of conflict resolution is highly promoted and reinforced in this society.  That combined with the notion  that we have to MAKE people respect us is a recipe of a domestic violence cocktail.  We began to accept the overly emotional way of dealing with issues (fighting, arguing, throwing things, having tantrums and fall outs....) in romantic love as natural and normal and it is not. Then we add sex and physical intimacy to already volatile circumstances which just heightens the issues with in the relationship.  We need to REevaluate how we can operate in a kinder, calmer, loving and nurturing manner when faced with issues in a "romantic" context and how we can build healthier bombs with one another that to not denigrate to barbaric ways of operating.

This is meant to open the conversations about "romantic" love and how the standards behind it lead to some very unhealthy situations and outcomes. 

What are your thoughts? 

What's missing? A conversation about relations and sex....

Kita:     …..having no physical outlet is not helping. I may take kickboxing.

Milele:  You need to stop playing and get you some lol

Kita:     The few men I am attracted too are not reciprocating my energy so I wait. I can't do anymore bad sex. EVER

Milele:  Bad sex sucks and not in the good way

Kita:     Right. So I can have my choice of bad sex or wait for meaningful sex. I gave all the loving away I need too for a lifetime.

Milele:  Wait bad sex can be meaningful and meaningful sex can be bad. Sex is like having a meal. What you put into it is what you get out of it.  Men often enjoy sex more simply because they don’t hold back. They put their all into enjoying it and reaching orgasm. That is why most of them have sex... to cum. We as women often do it for "deeper" reasons that go beyond the cumming. At times we will even forgo the orgasm for the physical and emotional closeness

Kita:     Not always. It's the sex talk. Pre, during and post. The mind sex often can hurt the actual sex.  I feel far too often men won't just be honest. "I like you and would love to share my body with you." Instead they "play date" you and feed you all the ideals of a relationship with no actual intention of having one.  I know that at this age I can't have sex without feelings. I don't work that way, some can.  But what I can work with is honesty.

Milele:  Because the majority of women would not just go for that type of honesty. At first we may be down but eventually we would "want more" so they try to appease us while getting what they want as well

Kita:     If you want a physical friendship say so. No games or BS. More women want them than men think.

Milele:  Most men want "something deeper" too they just aren’t taught how to find that in things other than sex

Kita:     Yes' we want an emotional connection that is something that will happen organically with two individuals.

Milele:  It is something that SHOULD happen organically but if the individuals aren’t on the same wave it will cause problems

Kita:     But I feel the biggest problem is peoples fear to be themselves. Some of us are very sexual beings and if that is done in a healthy way it is great. But many lie there way into peoples minds and beds just to CUM. SMH

Milele:  It is fear AND  lack of knowledge of who they are

Kita:     That is the issue. Many of us (single people) are still in fear of being our true selves. Of healing from our past and not using it as a guide book.

Milele:  It isn’t just single people. It is all of us. Being in a relationship is NO indication of personal growth.

Kita:     That's true.

Milele:  Just like not being in one is not an indication of a lack a development

Kita:     Dysfunctional relationships are all the rave now.

Milele:  Consider this….. Most people who are considered "spiritual, enlightened" aren’t married, those who are do not put their relationships first. Personal development is what should come first as you grow those around you grow

Kita:     I can count on one hand the actual enlightened people I know. Some are working toward enlightenment and others are the walking dead

Milele:  I’m speaking of monks, nuns, "holy" people who dedicate their life to personal development and the development of others

Kita:     Awww… There are non holy people who do the same. I am very selective who I share with and why. Sex is more that a series of temporary sensations for me.

Milele:  Again we are all bumping around in a box that doesn’t fit trying to find love, joy and happiness in a society that doesn’t promote that.  Think of the story you had me read; the couple were the same two people. What changed was their environment *I really did like the story* when they got anyway from the bullshit of THIS society they began to change. THEN their relationship got better

Kita:     I knew you would like the story. I thought of you when I reread it and had to share it.

But today people seem to live for the BS.  They social network about it, they watch and read it and when there is a lull they create it.  What happened? We all wanted to get along at one point now all people seem to want is to fuck and fuck over people

Milele:  Because this is all they know. Until something or someone opens theirs eyes to something different.  People are by nature good. Put them in positive surroundings and you will see a change

Kita:     See that statement "we are good by nature" often feels like BS. I know that we are all naturally loving and good but why do we lose that for tangible things and false ideals.

Milele:  Because we are TAUGHT to. It isn’t by accident. It is systematic and strategic.  Think of the 30 days of positivity. Some people really struggled with posting daily or even thinking of some things as positive but as time went on everyone was able to find something to share or write about.  That is a victory!  So understand that YOU have changed and become more sensitive and grown. You are in transition, and while you are, things won’t always be comfortable; but keep your goal in mind and stay focused. What/who you need will come

Kita:     Transition is a hard and very raw place to be in. I am aware and far too sensitive to all things so I help but I also guard myself and my heart.

Milele:  That is your first mistake thinking you are too sensitive. You are not. We desensitize ourselves because of fear and phantom pains

Kita:     Nurture killed nature for many.

Milele:  Not at all

Kita:     Explain... Why, you do feel, nurture didn't kill nature?

Milele:  Because our nature is to nurture.  We by nature are loving, nurturing beings.

Kita:     Indeed

Milele:  Society molds us from birth to be what it wants us to be. Schools, media, churches, etc. guide how we behave in order to cultivate the type of person it wants.  We must ALWAYS remember this We are not what's fucked up, this society we live in is the problem.  Once we understand that we can work to be fully who and how we truly are with each other

Kita:     True. I think that's why I do the 30 days. I often watch my FB timeline and see that positive energy is needed for me and others. So I start a challenge. I find people who are like minded and put it out there. It's for me more than anyone else could ever know.

Milele:  And it is for everyone else more than you could know ;)

Kita:  : ) I know. My friend request shows that too.

Milele:  Indeed

Kita:     Until I find a spirit worthy of my energy I will keep it to myself. But celibacy is hard but not impossible.

Milele: Yet

Infatuation or Real Love?

Uhh, yeah, love
You know we always, we always talkin ’bout love
We always thinkin ’bout it y’know
I’m in love, I want love, I need love, whatever
But like sometimes I wonder
With all the hurt and pain that people that supposedly love you put you through
Is that really love?- Phonte of Little Brother- “That Aint Love”

Have you ever been totally enthralled with someone and began to feel that you maybe in love with the person? The question is how do you know if you truly are in love with this person or it is just infatuation?

Most human beings have an inner desire to love and to be loved. Some people may hoot and holler that they don’t need love but we all want some kind of affection and feeling of self-worth. Many people find this love by giving and service to people. Others find this love by being there for family and friends. But, the way that most people search for this love connection is through romantic relationships (See “Soul Mate or Just Mate”)

We constantly search for that “one” person that we can love and truly love us. This search and journey for this love has many winding turns and bumpy words. We go through this journey being hurt and inflicting hurt. There are so many questions to be asked about why we do what we do when it comes to relationships. Many of the things we do within relationships are innately apart of us through. These experiences come from our parental involvement all the way to the way the pretty girl in high school may have dissed us in front of the school assembly.

What is Infatuation?

There are some feelings we have when infatuated that we don’t have when we’re feeling love. Some of the “symptoms” of infatuation are; feelings of panic, uncertainty, overpowering lust, feverish excitement, impatience, and/or jealously.

When infatuated, we are thrilled, but not happy, wanting to trust, yet suspicious. There are lingering, nagging doubts about our “partner in infatuation” and their love for us. We’re miserable when they’re away, almost like we’re not complete unless we’re with them. It’s a rush and it’s intense. It’s difficult to concentrate. And most infatuation relationships have a high degree of sexual charge around them. Somehow being with them is not complete unless in ends in some type of sexual encounter. (Source)

We as people many times flow from relationship to relationship constantly taking on more baggage or dirt on to or soul or spirit because the failures of past relationships. The true thing one has to think about in concerns of knowing if you are infatuated with someone or truly in love is self-consciousness. In one of my previous posts “The Relationship Credit Score” I talk about how we need to look internally to find out who we are just as much as we need to look at the person sitting across the table from us at dinner.

Think about it like this? Have you ever broken up with someone and instead of sitting back reflecting on who you are as a person…you jump right back into another relationship. Have you really thought about whom you are as a person and who you are after this relationship? Many of us don’t realize this and just feel if we find someone else to hold us at night that it will solve all our problems. Jumping directly into a relationship is not the way to escape oneself. It is the worst thing you can do. All relationships are a mirror and all the bad characteristics of yourself will be shown to you in a relationship. So, in essence if you are running away from yourself going into a relationship is the last thing you need to do.

Love itself is hard to definitively hold on too because everyone has different levels and ideals of love. Dr. Gary Chapman with his world renown books “The 5 Love Languages” writes that we all love in different ways and that the way to understand true love is to understand how we love and how others love. The five ways of loving are:

• Words of Affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

• Quality Time

In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

• Receiving Gifts

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

• Acts of Service

Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most wants to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

• Physical Touch

This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

As you can see the way we love can in some many ways with so many reactions. Learning more about oneself and the aspect of love will begin to help one differentiate between infatuation and real love. This infatuation can make us become as crazy as a patient in “One Who Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”. We have to be more in tune with who we are and be able to recognize truly what we need from love and not what we want from love. As soon as we find out about how we Love and want to be loved we can begin to find if we are in love are just “infatuated” with a person. With all the distractions and manipulator images in the world we need self-reflection more than ever because if we don’t we continuously get swallowed into the abyss called Infatuation instead of finding real love.

You can peep more of Diggame (via twitter @Diggame) and www.ashy2classy.net