Sex talk: What are we REALLY saying? 2016 Edition

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Romanticizing pain

Have you ever been in a conversation or strolled down memory lane with someone you had a horrible experience or relationship with and they are talking like it was the best thing in the world?  Did you have to stop and wonder if you all were talking about the same time period or event?  I have had several instances like this happen to me and I know several other people who have as well.  I don’t know if it is a product of the “damsel in distress” narrative where the “hero” tries to “swept them off their feet” IMMEDIATELY after being traumatized instead of just doing a “good deed” and keeping it moving; or the product of “beauty and the beast” narrative where one person in consistently abusive, callous, controlling and demanding while the other tries everything in their power to break free but eventually sees “their softer” side after numerous violations or even a complete lack of apathy and social sensitivity that causes this disproportionate view of circumstances.  But I call it “romanticizing pain”, now before we go any future I’m not referring to BDSM relationships/occasions where it is voluntary, desired and enjoyed. Romanticizing pain is when one side is having a horrible experience and the other side is having the time of their life at the expense of the other or simply causing harm to the other without recognizing or caring that they are.  It happens in many situations from everything to doing a group project, rape, employment situations, systematic racism (cause you KNOW how we like to sweep that under the rug) to being in a “Rore” as I like to call them (romantic relationships)

But I’m focusing of the Rore aspect because far too often I see where one person is blissful and the other is miserable (or any variation of pleased/displeased). Sometimes it is small things like one person feeling like they are giving more than the other or big like extremely abusive behavior.  In any case one party is content with how things are and the other isn’t.  Often times the content party doesn’t even see that there is an issue, know there is a problem, they may think things “could be better” but are overall pleased or they are shocked/surprised with the other person’s perception. Many feel that as long the relationship continues that there isn’t really an issue.  I have often asked “Why did (are) you stay(ing)…” and the answer usually deals with social constructs (divorce is bad, you need a man/woman..), family expectations (not wanting to “ruin” relationships), children (because you have children together) or not wanting it  to be in vain (I could not have done ALL this for nothing).  I have also asked “You didn’t (don’t)  know it was (is)  that bad…” and the answers ironically are:  same with social constructs (I’m not nearly as bad as other….), family expectations (This is just how things are when you’re in love…), children (when you have children you stay together) or not wanting it  to be in vain (We have put so much into this).   Personally I have been in situations that were bad for me but the other person really enjoyed it (especially sexually/romantically). During I thought that they either:  1. knew it was bad for/to me and didn’t care 2. thought it was bad too and didn’t care 3. Completely oblivious to my feelings/perspective and didn’t care.  For me it was always about a lack of love or concern for me then I later discovered that almost always the other person simply did not know how things impacted me.

This is one of those open ending conversations because I am not sure where to go with it

*****Note if you are reading this thinking “maybe the person was sensitive, or overly emotional or they did stuff to you too, etc.  You were probably on the giving end of the trauma.  It’s okay, deal with it and attempt to think, do, be and act differently from now on*****

What are your thoughts or experiences, has this happened to you on either end? (you can always answer anonymously)

"Thin line between love and hate.."

When we love someone in a romantic (marked by the imaginative or emotional appeal of what is heroic, adventurous, remote, mysterious, or idealized) way we assign a completely different set of rules, roles and regulations then we do when our love for some is general  so to speak.
With "Romance" comes idealistic views of "Death do us part" "Us against the world" "The one and only for me", "Keeping others out of your relationship" and other thoughts that create a bubble for those in the relationship.  That bubble can be a protective force or an isolating force.  When it is protective it shields those involved from unnecessary drama and harm.  However when it is isolating it prevents growth, advancement and shields those involved from "external" help. 
If all parties involved (mono or poly) are mature, nurturing, loving and have mutual respect for all, the relationship can be a thing of such beauty and joy that it seems like  a real life fairytale.  If those involved are jealous, controlling, immature or insecure it is a ticking time bomb that in most cases leaves to abuse and violence.

"Bust the windows out your car"

When we invest our time, feelings, money, energy, heart and soul into something expecting a certain outcome and we don't get it our passion can quickly turn to rage if unchecked.  Not to mention that violence as a means of conflict resolution is highly promoted and reinforced in this society.  That combined with the notion  that we have to MAKE people respect us is a recipe of a domestic violence cocktail.  We began to accept the overly emotional way of dealing with issues (fighting, arguing, throwing things, having tantrums and fall outs....) in romantic love as natural and normal and it is not. Then we add sex and physical intimacy to already volatile circumstances which just heightens the issues with in the relationship.  We need to REevaluate how we can operate in a kinder, calmer, loving and nurturing manner when faced with issues in a "romantic" context and how we can build healthier bombs with one another that to not denigrate to barbaric ways of operating.

This is meant to open the conversations about "romantic" love and how the standards behind it lead to some very unhealthy situations and outcomes. 

What are your thoughts? 

Abstinence: The cure..?

“Several more months passed with the occasional dinner-massage scenario. I was happy to please and she was deserving. Since we met she has been a sweetheart. She is the perfect blend of passive and aggressive temperament.
“Tonight, I need a super massage. I am so horny. I need to bust one bad.”
“What happened to what’s his name?”
“He got on my nerves, besides we weren’t fucking. He didn’t deserve this.” She joked. “So how long has it been?”
“All jokes aside about 10 years.”
I spit out my drink. “No wonder your ass is so damn mean.” We both laughed for a long time. “Seriously, why so long?”
“Now, you in my business. I don’t know,” she shrugged. “Sex lacks luster for me, masturbating is much better. I want the next time to be for enlightenment or with someone who is really good. You know not every man goes around turning women out like you.”
“They don’t?” I jested.
“So can I get my super massage or not.”
“Yes, I don’t mean anything by it, but if we were together (physically) I would not stop until you were satisfied.”
I did not really know how to read her response, it seemed distant…”
~Hisstory from “Confessions of a faithful woman.

 

I often come across women who have chosen to abstain… very often. Reasons vary from not desiring to get pregnant, a bad breakup, ending of a relationship, medical or “spiritual reasons” (I’m using quotes because that means different things for different people). However most often is because the woman wants more than “meaningless casual sex”. 
I come across many, many, many, women from all different perspectives and ages who chose to abstain. Now I have not come across a man abstaining, yet, for any reason BUT spiritual/religious and that is raaaaareee, like hip-hop monk, rare. Now I am not knocking abstinence I have abstained before for “spiritual reasons.” When I was going through my initiation into womanhood I was advised to abstain from sex, drinking, weed (yeah I smoked) and anything else that could alter my mind, body, spirit or energy. Along with abstaining went a diet change and other things. Giving up sex was HARD for me, not to mention trying to explain it to my then date and now husband who wasn’t feeling that at all!!!!!!! So when I hear of people volunteering to do it, it is a bit puzzling to me so I always ask “Why?” Most often (98.999%) I am told some form of “causal/meaningless sex is not satisfying, fulfilling or enjoyable at all on a more than physical level” Most women who abstain desire something deeper, better or more profound than what they have experienced in the past and in each case they feel they must have some type of commitment from another person to have that. From what I have been told “casual sex” is sex with a person you know and have a connection with but you truly don’t know at all or you know them but the person is only an acquaintance or friend. 
I am often left wondering: What is so magical about being with someone that changes the enjoyment of sex entirely. Why don’t men experience this same sexual phenomenon? How does casual sex physical differ from non casual sex? Is casual sex distant by nature or by choice? Can you have casual sex with someone you love? Is it possible that someone is having casual sex with someone who is not having casual sex? And so on…
For me sex is a deeply emotional, spiritual, loving, enlightening way to connect with myself, my mate and The Creator. The difference between me having an enjoyable experience or not has always been me (Excluding being with someone who was TERRIBLE in bed). 
Often times as women we put our self value in being or not being in a relation and base many our life decisions on that. Each of us has some idea what is best for us and if abstaining reaches the goal then by all means do it… well don’t do it, you know what I mean. BUT if abstaining does not meet those goals there may be a better option. 
It makes me think of a quote from my bro Necessary Blackness

“Abstinence is never as effective as a thorough understanding.”

S & M: It’s as easy as riding a bike (Confessions of a faithful reader)

In my last post "Ask me anything.... anonymously" I opened up for readers to share with me and for me to share with you all.  I received this very open piece about S&M from a reader.  I want to thank the reader for sharing with me so candidly and allowing me to share it with you all.  Please take a moment to read AND give your feedback.  Remember you can always post anonymously ;)

 

Dear Milele,

I felt the need to write you about my situation and how you helped. Here it goes………

It’s as easy as riding a bike

People use this phrase to describe many things like driving a car, tying your shoes, even having sex but for some once you decide you like to be tied up and told how to ride the bike, going to just regular riding is a bit hard. See I was in an S&M relationship for several years; after the “Shades” book series or reading ZANE which many of you should be familiar with it.  S&M: the terms sadist and masochist specifically refer to one who either enjoys giving pain (sadist), or one who enjoys receiving pain (masochist), many practitioners of sadomasochism describe themselves as at least something of a switch, or someone who can receive pleasure from either inflicting or receiving pain. I was a submissive and he was dominating the majority of the time. Sometimes the roles would change.  This means that the majority of our sexual encounters where situations created by him. I was told what to wear, how to stand and what to do. I enjoyed the role play and being tied up and spanked. For me this had become “normal” sex.   I was accustomed to receiving a text that would say. “On Friday at 10:00 a.m. have on a white button front shirt with tie and a red bra.  Your hair must be able to be held or grabbed, knee length socks and black heels.  Sit on the kitchen chair on your behind with your hands on your knees: palms up.  If you don’t do as told you will be spanked with the item of my choosing.”  I grew to love this. It was fun, freeing and exciting.  After the relationship ended I started to date again only to end up not feeling sexually fulfilled. Many of the men didn’t like that type of thing or I just didn’t bring it up out of fear.  With these issues I chose to be celibate. So now I have to figure out how to introduce my partner into my bike riding style.  I was sexually frustrated and feeling hopeless then one day this very blog helped me. Milele: You said the following “Wait… bad sex can be meaningful and meaningful sex can be bad. Sex is like having a meal. What you put into it is what you get out of it.”  I realized I never told my severer how I like my dish, just that I wanted it. So from here on forward my bike ride will come with full detailed instructions to ensure all participants enjoy the ride.

I thank you for your blog and book and your words of motivation and encouragement.

Sincerely,

Optimistic Bikerider

Sex talk: What are we REALLY saying?

I was having a conversation with a friend about “Sex talk” and the rules surrounding it.

It was a very spirited and funny conversation.  It made me think of all my encounters past present and future and laugh a good belly laugh. There is something about being in the throes of arousal and pleasure that causes us (all of us) to string words together so eloquently.  Most of us understand that “sex talk” should be taken seriously DURING intercourse but should be taken very lightly at any other time. That does not mean the person who is “sex talking” is being dishonest, but, like any other intoxicant, sex causes the brain to respond to stimuli in a less that normal manner.  For example if someone were to ummmm lets say put their hands gingerly around your throat (randomly popped in my head)  while you were somewhere in a common setting (work, school, meetings) the response would be different than if someone were to do it during intercourse. Sex Talk should not be confused with talking about sex,although talking about sex could naturally lead to “sex talk” if done correctly. 
Sex Talk: conversation that occurs during foreplay, sexual intercourse (blending) of any kind and occasionally immediately following. 

Common standard phrases with translation

 

I love you
1.) I love how I am feeling with you…. Right now
2.) These sensations are causing a spike in my emotional capacity
3.) I am fond of you
3.) I actually love you (not likely)

Put it in!

Although I am sure that you plan on penetration happening during this session I would like for you to do that sooner rather than later.  Like right now!

Im about to cum/Im cumming

For men it simply means the man is about to cum or is in the process of cumming.
For women it means: if you continue to do EXACTLY what you are doing for an extended period of time I will eventually have and orgasm. Usually followed or preceded by “Don’t stop”

It’s yours

I am enjoying what you are doing so much that I would like for you to be the one to do it again.

I’m yours

Im yours…… right now (this is a time sensitive statement)

You’re the best (I have ever had)

You are performing very well at this moment. (Also time sensitive)

Don’t stop

Don’t fucking stop or don’t stop fucking depending on how you want to look at it.
*note* Don’t stop refers to the EXACT thing you are doing at the time it is said.  This is not the time to be creative and throw in a new move. Don’t stop is usually followed by Im about to cum (see instructions above)

Ride it!

Generally used by men to express the desire for their partner to straddle them and move rhythmically up and down on their penis.

Eat it!

Generally used by women to express the desire for cunnilingus to be performed well

Suck it!
Generally used by men to express the desire for fellatio to be performed well

Oooohhh *insert explicative*

I really like that

It’s talking to you/ It’s talking to me (“She” can be used interchangeably)

Because of the actions that are currently taking place there are sounds that are being produced that would not normally be audible

Did you get bigger?  It feels like you are bigger.

That statement refers to the penis and is used as an indication of 1.)A distinct feeling that may not have been felt before 2.) The penis is more erect that usual 3.) The penis is causing pleasure that is larger that life 4.) Pain; not enough pain to stop but to possibly ease up

Common “do harm to me” phrases with translation

“Do harm to me” as I like to call them are phrases that are given in “instruction” form.  These phrases state an action that the speaker would like for their partner to do at the time of intercourse.  There are too many to cover but several are listed below

Choke me

Slap me
Spank me
Pull my hair
Bite me
______ me harder (can be borderline)
Pound it! Hit it! Beat it up! (referring to the use of the penis as a thrusting devise)

*Note* translations can very depending on situations.  Also if you feel the need to defend your “sex talk” you need some help this is for fun

Feel free to add more this is a continuous post and more will be translated later