Sex talk: What are we REALLY saying? 2016 Edition

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Dancing Frees Me

A friend shared with me this piece about the first time they met me...

"She came to dance; alone she took the dance floor.

Like a pendulum her hips swayed,

Sending vibrations stronger than winds from all four corners.

Her neck rolled to the rhythm, head turning freely,

with no concern that she was alone on the dance floor.

Her black is beautiful.

Locs hanging like vines of the jungle as she showed what true nature was.

She danced."

For me dancing is a way of connecting to spirit, healing, releasing, communicating and arousing the energy in myself and others.  From very young we are bobbing our heads, clapping our hands and moving our feet to the beat; it just comes naturally to us.

Throughout history people have used song and dance as intricate parts of their lives and culture to mark and celebrate significant transition in life.  Dancing has also been used to send people into spiritual trance, enlightenment, sacred sexual rites, and as a way to initiate special into different spiritual systems.

If you have come across me around some good music you know that I dance WHEREEVER I am.  Sometimes it is the words, sometimes it is the beat, sometimes it’s the emotions of the artist but it is always something that is sparked within me to move.

Fast, slow, grinding, stepping, African, with a group of people or all alone.  I connect to the music and let it take me on a journey of mind, body and spirit. My body expresses my pleasure with the music, the vibe, the people… life.  It is good and fulfilling. I love when people join me on this journey but I also love to take it alone without reservations or restraint.

I love to flow with the music allowing it to move through me and use me to express itself in human form (Yeah.. It’s like that). Unless I’m interested in sharing that moment with someone else I never notice who is watching, who else is dancing or even the effect I may be having on people.  But there are times (whether Im interested or not) that I can hear the music calling itself forth in others wanting to be expressed through them and I gravitate to them and we dance as one expression to the music and the energy of that moment.  It is very personal and not personal at all.

Dancing is arousing, sensual, pleasurable, erotic, spiritual, captivating and empowering.  I think we all should dance more every chance we get.  You will see in my series "Confessions... of a" how much music and dancing is a part of the experience in the stories and poems.

I just have one question: Will you dance with me?

 

ANDDDDDDDD THE WINNER ISSSS......

I would like to thank ALL the participants for the "Confessions..." contest.  All the entries were wonderful and reached many people.  Each participant shared a piece of themselves with the world and for that I am grateful!  I am even more grateful that I did not have to decide because I LOVED all the pictures and "Confessions.."  Once again asante sana (thank you very much) for to the participants.

Recap:
There was a contest from Mar 14th to April 14th to win a "Confessions" t-shirt, book mark and creative acknowledgement in upcoming book "Confessions of a spirit woman" and blog post dedicated to photo and "Confession"
Participants had to send "Milele" or "Confessions of a" a creative photo and post their "Confession" on, above or below it by email, message or posting on the page. The pictures submitted could only include the person(s) posting them and had be tagged with #coafw or #Milele  Photos and confessions were added to the "Contest" album from Mar 14th to April 14th.
Some Photos were posted as "anonymous" at the request of participant.
Judging was from April 15 thru May 15 and photos were "voted" on by likes, comments, reach, reposts, reblogs and shares. All entries were posted on Milele's  Facebook, twitter, Tumblr, Instagram and "Confessions..." pages.

Check out the album for all entries ....

 

Words from the winner
Why did you enter?
First let me say, thank you. I entered for a few reasons: a favor to a friend and as an opportunity to express myself.

Why did you choose that photo and confession?
 I chose the photo because of its simplicity and visual effect. I felt it tied into my confession.

What does it mean to you to win?
I'm honored to have won because you all took time out of your day to participate.

Anything else you want to share?
I look forward to sharing more confessions in a forthcoming book.

AND THE WINNER IS....... With nearly 50 "likes", comments and shares

 

Confession "I am a romantic sort. I believe in love at first sight.

I believe that sometimes you just know." ~ Maurice Minor
 

 

 

 

Abstinence: The cure..?

“Several more months passed with the occasional dinner-massage scenario. I was happy to please and she was deserving. Since we met she has been a sweetheart. She is the perfect blend of passive and aggressive temperament.
“Tonight, I need a super massage. I am so horny. I need to bust one bad.”
“What happened to what’s his name?”
“He got on my nerves, besides we weren’t fucking. He didn’t deserve this.” She joked. “So how long has it been?”
“All jokes aside about 10 years.”
I spit out my drink. “No wonder your ass is so damn mean.” We both laughed for a long time. “Seriously, why so long?”
“Now, you in my business. I don’t know,” she shrugged. “Sex lacks luster for me, masturbating is much better. I want the next time to be for enlightenment or with someone who is really good. You know not every man goes around turning women out like you.”
“They don’t?” I jested.
“So can I get my super massage or not.”
“Yes, I don’t mean anything by it, but if we were together (physically) I would not stop until you were satisfied.”
I did not really know how to read her response, it seemed distant…”
~Hisstory from “Confessions of a faithful woman.

 

I often come across women who have chosen to abstain… very often. Reasons vary from not desiring to get pregnant, a bad breakup, ending of a relationship, medical or “spiritual reasons” (I’m using quotes because that means different things for different people). However most often is because the woman wants more than “meaningless casual sex”. 
I come across many, many, many, women from all different perspectives and ages who chose to abstain. Now I have not come across a man abstaining, yet, for any reason BUT spiritual/religious and that is raaaaareee, like hip-hop monk, rare. Now I am not knocking abstinence I have abstained before for “spiritual reasons.” When I was going through my initiation into womanhood I was advised to abstain from sex, drinking, weed (yeah I smoked) and anything else that could alter my mind, body, spirit or energy. Along with abstaining went a diet change and other things. Giving up sex was HARD for me, not to mention trying to explain it to my then date and now husband who wasn’t feeling that at all!!!!!!! So when I hear of people volunteering to do it, it is a bit puzzling to me so I always ask “Why?” Most often (98.999%) I am told some form of “causal/meaningless sex is not satisfying, fulfilling or enjoyable at all on a more than physical level” Most women who abstain desire something deeper, better or more profound than what they have experienced in the past and in each case they feel they must have some type of commitment from another person to have that. From what I have been told “casual sex” is sex with a person you know and have a connection with but you truly don’t know at all or you know them but the person is only an acquaintance or friend. 
I am often left wondering: What is so magical about being with someone that changes the enjoyment of sex entirely. Why don’t men experience this same sexual phenomenon? How does casual sex physical differ from non casual sex? Is casual sex distant by nature or by choice? Can you have casual sex with someone you love? Is it possible that someone is having casual sex with someone who is not having casual sex? And so on…
For me sex is a deeply emotional, spiritual, loving, enlightening way to connect with myself, my mate and The Creator. The difference between me having an enjoyable experience or not has always been me (Excluding being with someone who was TERRIBLE in bed). 
Often times as women we put our self value in being or not being in a relation and base many our life decisions on that. Each of us has some idea what is best for us and if abstaining reaches the goal then by all means do it… well don’t do it, you know what I mean. BUT if abstaining does not meet those goals there may be a better option. 
It makes me think of a quote from my bro Necessary Blackness

“Abstinence is never as effective as a thorough understanding.”

S & M: It’s as easy as riding a bike (Confessions of a faithful reader)

In my last post "Ask me anything.... anonymously" I opened up for readers to share with me and for me to share with you all.  I received this very open piece about S&M from a reader.  I want to thank the reader for sharing with me so candidly and allowing me to share it with you all.  Please take a moment to read AND give your feedback.  Remember you can always post anonymously ;)

 

Dear Milele,

I felt the need to write you about my situation and how you helped. Here it goes………

It’s as easy as riding a bike

People use this phrase to describe many things like driving a car, tying your shoes, even having sex but for some once you decide you like to be tied up and told how to ride the bike, going to just regular riding is a bit hard. See I was in an S&M relationship for several years; after the “Shades” book series or reading ZANE which many of you should be familiar with it.  S&M: the terms sadist and masochist specifically refer to one who either enjoys giving pain (sadist), or one who enjoys receiving pain (masochist), many practitioners of sadomasochism describe themselves as at least something of a switch, or someone who can receive pleasure from either inflicting or receiving pain. I was a submissive and he was dominating the majority of the time. Sometimes the roles would change.  This means that the majority of our sexual encounters where situations created by him. I was told what to wear, how to stand and what to do. I enjoyed the role play and being tied up and spanked. For me this had become “normal” sex.   I was accustomed to receiving a text that would say. “On Friday at 10:00 a.m. have on a white button front shirt with tie and a red bra.  Your hair must be able to be held or grabbed, knee length socks and black heels.  Sit on the kitchen chair on your behind with your hands on your knees: palms up.  If you don’t do as told you will be spanked with the item of my choosing.”  I grew to love this. It was fun, freeing and exciting.  After the relationship ended I started to date again only to end up not feeling sexually fulfilled. Many of the men didn’t like that type of thing or I just didn’t bring it up out of fear.  With these issues I chose to be celibate. So now I have to figure out how to introduce my partner into my bike riding style.  I was sexually frustrated and feeling hopeless then one day this very blog helped me. Milele: You said the following “Wait… bad sex can be meaningful and meaningful sex can be bad. Sex is like having a meal. What you put into it is what you get out of it.”  I realized I never told my severer how I like my dish, just that I wanted it. So from here on forward my bike ride will come with full detailed instructions to ensure all participants enjoy the ride.

I thank you for your blog and book and your words of motivation and encouragement.

Sincerely,

Optimistic Bikerider