"Thin line between love and hate.."

When we love someone in a romantic (marked by the imaginative or emotional appeal of what is heroic, adventurous, remote, mysterious, or idealized) way we assign a completely different set of rules, roles and regulations then we do when our love for some is general  so to speak.
With "Romance" comes idealistic views of "Death do us part" "Us against the world" "The one and only for me", "Keeping others out of your relationship" and other thoughts that create a bubble for those in the relationship.  That bubble can be a protective force or an isolating force.  When it is protective it shields those involved from unnecessary drama and harm.  However when it is isolating it prevents growth, advancement and shields those involved from "external" help. 
If all parties involved (mono or poly) are mature, nurturing, loving and have mutual respect for all, the relationship can be a thing of such beauty and joy that it seems like  a real life fairytale.  If those involved are jealous, controlling, immature or insecure it is a ticking time bomb that in most cases leaves to abuse and violence.

"Bust the windows out your car"

When we invest our time, feelings, money, energy, heart and soul into something expecting a certain outcome and we don't get it our passion can quickly turn to rage if unchecked.  Not to mention that violence as a means of conflict resolution is highly promoted and reinforced in this society.  That combined with the notion  that we have to MAKE people respect us is a recipe of a domestic violence cocktail.  We began to accept the overly emotional way of dealing with issues (fighting, arguing, throwing things, having tantrums and fall outs....) in romantic love as natural and normal and it is not. Then we add sex and physical intimacy to already volatile circumstances which just heightens the issues with in the relationship.  We need to REevaluate how we can operate in a kinder, calmer, loving and nurturing manner when faced with issues in a "romantic" context and how we can build healthier bombs with one another that to not denigrate to barbaric ways of operating.

This is meant to open the conversations about "romantic" love and how the standards behind it lead to some very unhealthy situations and outcomes. 

What are your thoughts? 

Abstinence: The cure..?

“Several more months passed with the occasional dinner-massage scenario. I was happy to please and she was deserving. Since we met she has been a sweetheart. She is the perfect blend of passive and aggressive temperament.
“Tonight, I need a super massage. I am so horny. I need to bust one bad.”
“What happened to what’s his name?”
“He got on my nerves, besides we weren’t fucking. He didn’t deserve this.” She joked. “So how long has it been?”
“All jokes aside about 10 years.”
I spit out my drink. “No wonder your ass is so damn mean.” We both laughed for a long time. “Seriously, why so long?”
“Now, you in my business. I don’t know,” she shrugged. “Sex lacks luster for me, masturbating is much better. I want the next time to be for enlightenment or with someone who is really good. You know not every man goes around turning women out like you.”
“They don’t?” I jested.
“So can I get my super massage or not.”
“Yes, I don’t mean anything by it, but if we were together (physically) I would not stop until you were satisfied.”
I did not really know how to read her response, it seemed distant…”
~Hisstory from “Confessions of a faithful woman.

 

I often come across women who have chosen to abstain… very often. Reasons vary from not desiring to get pregnant, a bad breakup, ending of a relationship, medical or “spiritual reasons” (I’m using quotes because that means different things for different people). However most often is because the woman wants more than “meaningless casual sex”. 
I come across many, many, many, women from all different perspectives and ages who chose to abstain. Now I have not come across a man abstaining, yet, for any reason BUT spiritual/religious and that is raaaaareee, like hip-hop monk, rare. Now I am not knocking abstinence I have abstained before for “spiritual reasons.” When I was going through my initiation into womanhood I was advised to abstain from sex, drinking, weed (yeah I smoked) and anything else that could alter my mind, body, spirit or energy. Along with abstaining went a diet change and other things. Giving up sex was HARD for me, not to mention trying to explain it to my then date and now husband who wasn’t feeling that at all!!!!!!! So when I hear of people volunteering to do it, it is a bit puzzling to me so I always ask “Why?” Most often (98.999%) I am told some form of “causal/meaningless sex is not satisfying, fulfilling or enjoyable at all on a more than physical level” Most women who abstain desire something deeper, better or more profound than what they have experienced in the past and in each case they feel they must have some type of commitment from another person to have that. From what I have been told “casual sex” is sex with a person you know and have a connection with but you truly don’t know at all or you know them but the person is only an acquaintance or friend. 
I am often left wondering: What is so magical about being with someone that changes the enjoyment of sex entirely. Why don’t men experience this same sexual phenomenon? How does casual sex physical differ from non casual sex? Is casual sex distant by nature or by choice? Can you have casual sex with someone you love? Is it possible that someone is having casual sex with someone who is not having casual sex? And so on…
For me sex is a deeply emotional, spiritual, loving, enlightening way to connect with myself, my mate and The Creator. The difference between me having an enjoyable experience or not has always been me (Excluding being with someone who was TERRIBLE in bed). 
Often times as women we put our self value in being or not being in a relation and base many our life decisions on that. Each of us has some idea what is best for us and if abstaining reaches the goal then by all means do it… well don’t do it, you know what I mean. BUT if abstaining does not meet those goals there may be a better option. 
It makes me think of a quote from my bro Necessary Blackness

“Abstinence is never as effective as a thorough understanding.”

S & M: It’s as easy as riding a bike (Confessions of a faithful reader)

In my last post "Ask me anything.... anonymously" I opened up for readers to share with me and for me to share with you all.  I received this very open piece about S&M from a reader.  I want to thank the reader for sharing with me so candidly and allowing me to share it with you all.  Please take a moment to read AND give your feedback.  Remember you can always post anonymously ;)

 

Dear Milele,

I felt the need to write you about my situation and how you helped. Here it goes………

It’s as easy as riding a bike

People use this phrase to describe many things like driving a car, tying your shoes, even having sex but for some once you decide you like to be tied up and told how to ride the bike, going to just regular riding is a bit hard. See I was in an S&M relationship for several years; after the “Shades” book series or reading ZANE which many of you should be familiar with it.  S&M: the terms sadist and masochist specifically refer to one who either enjoys giving pain (sadist), or one who enjoys receiving pain (masochist), many practitioners of sadomasochism describe themselves as at least something of a switch, or someone who can receive pleasure from either inflicting or receiving pain. I was a submissive and he was dominating the majority of the time. Sometimes the roles would change.  This means that the majority of our sexual encounters where situations created by him. I was told what to wear, how to stand and what to do. I enjoyed the role play and being tied up and spanked. For me this had become “normal” sex.   I was accustomed to receiving a text that would say. “On Friday at 10:00 a.m. have on a white button front shirt with tie and a red bra.  Your hair must be able to be held or grabbed, knee length socks and black heels.  Sit on the kitchen chair on your behind with your hands on your knees: palms up.  If you don’t do as told you will be spanked with the item of my choosing.”  I grew to love this. It was fun, freeing and exciting.  After the relationship ended I started to date again only to end up not feeling sexually fulfilled. Many of the men didn’t like that type of thing or I just didn’t bring it up out of fear.  With these issues I chose to be celibate. So now I have to figure out how to introduce my partner into my bike riding style.  I was sexually frustrated and feeling hopeless then one day this very blog helped me. Milele: You said the following “Wait… bad sex can be meaningful and meaningful sex can be bad. Sex is like having a meal. What you put into it is what you get out of it.”  I realized I never told my severer how I like my dish, just that I wanted it. So from here on forward my bike ride will come with full detailed instructions to ensure all participants enjoy the ride.

I thank you for your blog and book and your words of motivation and encouragement.

Sincerely,

Optimistic Bikerider

Ask me anything.... anonymously

Hello good people!!!!!!!
I hope all is well with you and yours. 
Time and time again people approach me telling me that they wanted to comment, ask a question, rebuttal or otherwise respond to one of my posts, stories, tweets, comments, etc.  When I ask them why they didn't  it is usually because how they think their friends, family, mates, coworkers, children or society in general would respond or think of them.  I always tell them they could have inboxed me and I would post it anonymously.   It never once dawned on me that maybe they didn't want me to know who they were either.  So I decided to make this post so whomever has anything to say, ask, share or vent about can do it without even me knowing who they are. 

Just a reminder these are some things I have discussed before:
Sex talk
White privilege
Needing people
Oppressions and "isms"
Fasting and cleansing
Black pride
Celestial events....
 
In the comments ask your questions, make your statements, share your view, about anything I have posted, written, said, talked about, give a review of "Confessions of a faithful woman", or anything else you need to get out without anyone knowing.   I do ask that we all reframe from being bigoted or mean spirited on our post.  If you cant find a way to say it positively you probably don't believe it strong enough.

What's missing? A conversation about relations and sex....

Kita:     …..having no physical outlet is not helping. I may take kickboxing.

Milele:  You need to stop playing and get you some lol

Kita:     The few men I am attracted too are not reciprocating my energy so I wait. I can't do anymore bad sex. EVER

Milele:  Bad sex sucks and not in the good way

Kita:     Right. So I can have my choice of bad sex or wait for meaningful sex. I gave all the loving away I need too for a lifetime.

Milele:  Wait bad sex can be meaningful and meaningful sex can be bad. Sex is like having a meal. What you put into it is what you get out of it.  Men often enjoy sex more simply because they don’t hold back. They put their all into enjoying it and reaching orgasm. That is why most of them have sex... to cum. We as women often do it for "deeper" reasons that go beyond the cumming. At times we will even forgo the orgasm for the physical and emotional closeness

Kita:     Not always. It's the sex talk. Pre, during and post. The mind sex often can hurt the actual sex.  I feel far too often men won't just be honest. "I like you and would love to share my body with you." Instead they "play date" you and feed you all the ideals of a relationship with no actual intention of having one.  I know that at this age I can't have sex without feelings. I don't work that way, some can.  But what I can work with is honesty.

Milele:  Because the majority of women would not just go for that type of honesty. At first we may be down but eventually we would "want more" so they try to appease us while getting what they want as well

Kita:     If you want a physical friendship say so. No games or BS. More women want them than men think.

Milele:  Most men want "something deeper" too they just aren’t taught how to find that in things other than sex

Kita:     Yes' we want an emotional connection that is something that will happen organically with two individuals.

Milele:  It is something that SHOULD happen organically but if the individuals aren’t on the same wave it will cause problems

Kita:     But I feel the biggest problem is peoples fear to be themselves. Some of us are very sexual beings and if that is done in a healthy way it is great. But many lie there way into peoples minds and beds just to CUM. SMH

Milele:  It is fear AND  lack of knowledge of who they are

Kita:     That is the issue. Many of us (single people) are still in fear of being our true selves. Of healing from our past and not using it as a guide book.

Milele:  It isn’t just single people. It is all of us. Being in a relationship is NO indication of personal growth.

Kita:     That's true.

Milele:  Just like not being in one is not an indication of a lack a development

Kita:     Dysfunctional relationships are all the rave now.

Milele:  Consider this….. Most people who are considered "spiritual, enlightened" aren’t married, those who are do not put their relationships first. Personal development is what should come first as you grow those around you grow

Kita:     I can count on one hand the actual enlightened people I know. Some are working toward enlightenment and others are the walking dead

Milele:  I’m speaking of monks, nuns, "holy" people who dedicate their life to personal development and the development of others

Kita:     Awww… There are non holy people who do the same. I am very selective who I share with and why. Sex is more that a series of temporary sensations for me.

Milele:  Again we are all bumping around in a box that doesn’t fit trying to find love, joy and happiness in a society that doesn’t promote that.  Think of the story you had me read; the couple were the same two people. What changed was their environment *I really did like the story* when they got anyway from the bullshit of THIS society they began to change. THEN their relationship got better

Kita:     I knew you would like the story. I thought of you when I reread it and had to share it.

But today people seem to live for the BS.  They social network about it, they watch and read it and when there is a lull they create it.  What happened? We all wanted to get along at one point now all people seem to want is to fuck and fuck over people

Milele:  Because this is all they know. Until something or someone opens theirs eyes to something different.  People are by nature good. Put them in positive surroundings and you will see a change

Kita:     See that statement "we are good by nature" often feels like BS. I know that we are all naturally loving and good but why do we lose that for tangible things and false ideals.

Milele:  Because we are TAUGHT to. It isn’t by accident. It is systematic and strategic.  Think of the 30 days of positivity. Some people really struggled with posting daily or even thinking of some things as positive but as time went on everyone was able to find something to share or write about.  That is a victory!  So understand that YOU have changed and become more sensitive and grown. You are in transition, and while you are, things won’t always be comfortable; but keep your goal in mind and stay focused. What/who you need will come

Kita:     Transition is a hard and very raw place to be in. I am aware and far too sensitive to all things so I help but I also guard myself and my heart.

Milele:  That is your first mistake thinking you are too sensitive. You are not. We desensitize ourselves because of fear and phantom pains

Kita:     Nurture killed nature for many.

Milele:  Not at all

Kita:     Explain... Why, you do feel, nurture didn't kill nature?

Milele:  Because our nature is to nurture.  We by nature are loving, nurturing beings.

Kita:     Indeed

Milele:  Society molds us from birth to be what it wants us to be. Schools, media, churches, etc. guide how we behave in order to cultivate the type of person it wants.  We must ALWAYS remember this We are not what's fucked up, this society we live in is the problem.  Once we understand that we can work to be fully who and how we truly are with each other

Kita:     True. I think that's why I do the 30 days. I often watch my FB timeline and see that positive energy is needed for me and others. So I start a challenge. I find people who are like minded and put it out there. It's for me more than anyone else could ever know.

Milele:  And it is for everyone else more than you could know ;)

Kita:  : ) I know. My friend request shows that too.

Milele:  Indeed

Kita:     Until I find a spirit worthy of my energy I will keep it to myself. But celibacy is hard but not impossible.

Milele: Yet

Sex talk: What are we REALLY saying?

I was having a conversation with a friend about “Sex talk” and the rules surrounding it.

It was a very spirited and funny conversation.  It made me think of all my encounters past present and future and laugh a good belly laugh. There is something about being in the throes of arousal and pleasure that causes us (all of us) to string words together so eloquently.  Most of us understand that “sex talk” should be taken seriously DURING intercourse but should be taken very lightly at any other time. That does not mean the person who is “sex talking” is being dishonest, but, like any other intoxicant, sex causes the brain to respond to stimuli in a less that normal manner.  For example if someone were to ummmm lets say put their hands gingerly around your throat (randomly popped in my head)  while you were somewhere in a common setting (work, school, meetings) the response would be different than if someone were to do it during intercourse. Sex Talk should not be confused with talking about sex,although talking about sex could naturally lead to “sex talk” if done correctly. 
Sex Talk: conversation that occurs during foreplay, sexual intercourse (blending) of any kind and occasionally immediately following. 

Common standard phrases with translation

 

I love you
1.) I love how I am feeling with you…. Right now
2.) These sensations are causing a spike in my emotional capacity
3.) I am fond of you
3.) I actually love you (not likely)

Put it in!

Although I am sure that you plan on penetration happening during this session I would like for you to do that sooner rather than later.  Like right now!

Im about to cum/Im cumming

For men it simply means the man is about to cum or is in the process of cumming.
For women it means: if you continue to do EXACTLY what you are doing for an extended period of time I will eventually have and orgasm. Usually followed or preceded by “Don’t stop”

It’s yours

I am enjoying what you are doing so much that I would like for you to be the one to do it again.

I’m yours

Im yours…… right now (this is a time sensitive statement)

You’re the best (I have ever had)

You are performing very well at this moment. (Also time sensitive)

Don’t stop

Don’t fucking stop or don’t stop fucking depending on how you want to look at it.
*note* Don’t stop refers to the EXACT thing you are doing at the time it is said.  This is not the time to be creative and throw in a new move. Don’t stop is usually followed by Im about to cum (see instructions above)

Ride it!

Generally used by men to express the desire for their partner to straddle them and move rhythmically up and down on their penis.

Eat it!

Generally used by women to express the desire for cunnilingus to be performed well

Suck it!
Generally used by men to express the desire for fellatio to be performed well

Oooohhh *insert explicative*

I really like that

It’s talking to you/ It’s talking to me (“She” can be used interchangeably)

Because of the actions that are currently taking place there are sounds that are being produced that would not normally be audible

Did you get bigger?  It feels like you are bigger.

That statement refers to the penis and is used as an indication of 1.)A distinct feeling that may not have been felt before 2.) The penis is more erect that usual 3.) The penis is causing pleasure that is larger that life 4.) Pain; not enough pain to stop but to possibly ease up

Common “do harm to me” phrases with translation

“Do harm to me” as I like to call them are phrases that are given in “instruction” form.  These phrases state an action that the speaker would like for their partner to do at the time of intercourse.  There are too many to cover but several are listed below

Choke me

Slap me
Spank me
Pull my hair
Bite me
______ me harder (can be borderline)
Pound it! Hit it! Beat it up! (referring to the use of the penis as a thrusting devise)

*Note* translations can very depending on situations.  Also if you feel the need to defend your “sex talk” you need some help this is for fun

Feel free to add more this is a continuous post and more will be translated later

"UIB interviews author, Milele, about her book, "Confessions of a Faithful Woman."

Please take a moment (bout 30 min) to listen to the open interview about love, sex, relationships, spirit, oppression and so much more. As I prepare the second book in the "Confessions..." series I would like for you to get to know me better.

Feel free to leave your comments or questions or opinion I LOVE hearing from each of you.

As always I appreciate everyone who takes their time out.

Share with me...

"Not into THAT kinda stuff..."

It is always interesting to me when I hear people speak about how they are "not into THAT kinda stuff" when it comes to their "sexuality". What puzzles me more is "THAT kinda stuff" usually refers to making the experience more natural, holistic, loving, spiritually connected and human. Let’s face it…

WE ALL HAVE SEX or PLAN TO HAVE sex one day and EVERYONE KNOWS EVERYONE IS DOING IT.

So why are we hesitant to talk about it, explore it, use the energy, share it, honor it? 

We have been taught it is “bad, dirty, deprived, perverted, etc” AND we continue to accept those perspectives as reality.  When we see a child touching themselves and others we reprimand them and teach them that is “bad or a no-no” yet we expect them to later readjust their thinking to be in a healthy sexual relationship with another human being.  We wont even touch on the fact that must of us are “Conditioned to be unhappy” *later blog post :)* 

So since I wrote a book about it I think that we should talk about it.  Actually it is the other way around, I thought we should talk about it and feel good about it so I wrote a book about it.

Well let’s break it all the way down and get the root of things…. Sex the way we use it is slang.  The Etymology of the word is as follows:

 1382, from Middle French sexe, from Latin sexus (“gender”). Thought to be connected with Latin seco, secare (“divide, cut”) by the concept of division, or 'half' of the racelate 14c., "males or females collectively," from L. sexus "state of being either male or female, gender." "Commonly taken with seco as division or 'half' of the race" [Tucker], which would connect it to secare "to divide or cut" (see section). Meaning "quality of being male or female" first recorded 1520s. Meaning "sexual intercourse" first attested 1929

Not to get too heavy in to it but “sex” refers to gender so we all have “sex”.  From birth we have “sex” or a “sex”.  What we call sex is really coitus but wait… that only refers to penis into vagina and we ALL know what we do it more than that (it is ok to laugh).  Sexual intercourse wasn’t used to 1929 yes 1929 and we all know humans have been “having sex” since the beginning of time

My point is let it go… “Sex” is a misnomer.  It is a word that we use to express the joining of divine energies.  I like to refer to it as “blending or engaging or even intercourse”. 

It is a wonderful journey of enjoyment, arousal, excitement, recreation, procreation and enlightening to be experienced by EVERY human being in some shape form or fashion.

When you are “not into THAT kinda stuff” you are not into understand The Universe and your role in it. You are not into experiencing the essence of another and sharing yours with them. You are not into tapping into The Creator and the divine understanding that cums with a *Cosmic Orgasm* (later post). You are not into tapping into your divine self. You are not into healing, enlightenment and evolution. You are not into blending with a another human to the point of ecstatic pleasure.  YOU’RE NOT INTO THAT????

Ohhhh….right “That’s not sex… it is something else” Well maybe we ALL need to be doing “something else” and not “having sex”.

A wise person once said (something like) “You have sex like you live.” 

How are you living?  How do you have sex?  

Me...? Open, loving, unfettered and wonderfully!!!!!